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Time:01:43 pm
I guess it takes little steps to beat bulimia. today i've done ok so far...i ate 800 calories and didn't let it go into a full out binge, which is good. 800 is still considered "starvation diet" yet it seems too much to consider as success to me. and there's something telling me now that i can no longer eat anything over 800 calories. that thought makes me feel safe. anyways i'm going to excercise and relax today and try to go outside more and just feel good. but for some reason i can't go outside even in my own backyard just because i feel so fat. i can't wait to lose weight so that i can actually go out and get some sun! i'm honestly a hermit, the only place i go is work. all i do is sit home and eat. it's gross. anyways after this first day of 800 calories, i should be able to ease down. i'm not gunna aim my excercise goals too high today cuz when i do that i get discouraged. i'll excercise a bit if i feel like it.
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Time:02:09 pm

wow i cant even explain right now why i feel so god damn happy ?!?!  yesterday i weighed myself and i was ALL THE WAY back up to 149 pounds!!!! then today what do i do? i eat something that i kno makes me gain a pound, and dont purge it on purpose. wtf is wrong with me? but for some reason i felt like if i hit 150 pounds, i would have nowhere left to go but down. and i actually feel like that. i feel newly motivated for some strange reason. i'll drop way down past my lowest weight ( 136 pounds) and just keep losing. but what i've decided is i'm not gunna weigh myself for a while cuz every time i weigh myself and i weigh more than i use to, i feel hopeless and just binge. but i cant wait to organize everything in my life and just drop weight. i'll be able to say i lost 10, 20, 30 ,40.....pounds. so from now on im not gunna focus on the numbers on the scale, im just going to focus on my behaviors and let them comfort me. the next time i weigh myself, i'll be back into acceptable numbers and down to new low weights. that way i'll be happy instead of discouraged. so in a few weeks i will hopefully be able to post good news!

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Time:06:13 pm
i'm going back to where i use to be...i find it so strange that my parents dont notice. they dont notice how my habits are becoming EXACTLY like they were before they forced me to try to recover. how i dont eat breakfast or lunch, then eat a huge meal and dissapear to "take a shower" or "dry my hair". sometimes i'm taking 2 showers a day and they dont even realize something is wrong. my ed doesnt want them to realize something is wrong, but i just find it strange that they dont. they watched me so closely for a while. i wasnt even allowed into the bathroom with the music on anymore. and now im in there, music blaring, after every huge meal i eat. boxes of cookies and granola bars go missing. im isolating myself again. yet somehow they either dont notice or choose to ignore what is going on. and im not really sure why that is. they dont even make me regular psychologist appointments or ask me anything about whats going on anymore. i lied to my friends and told them i'm doing alot better. the truth is im just spiralling back down, into bulimia AND depression. i feel it coming on just like last time. the slowly getting worse until it grows into something terrifying. i dont wanna feel trapped like that again. but i feel like its what i deserve. in a way, its what i want. i can see it coming on, but i dont want to stop it. im just scared that once i get there again, this time im not gunna be able to see a wat out. im scared that this time, im going to die.
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Time:05:24 am
not. going. well. at all. 

but im fasting tomorow until july 4th :)

i'm excited.

anyways i measured myself and got all my stats:
Height: 5'8.5
HW: 162
LW: 136
CW: 147.6

ewww here we go...
Waist: 31"
Stomach: 37.5"
Hips: 37"
Chest: 37.5"
Butt: 40"
Upper thighs: 22"
Upper arms: 13"
Calves: 12.5"
Wrist: 6"

ok that shit is absolutely disgusting. i need to lose 3 inches off my hips, like 13 or 14 off my stomach, 7 off my waist and i dont kno how many off my arms and thighs. my butt i just want to tone, not shrink cuz its not very big. my calves are nice. but my whole midsection is fucking disgusting. that's where i've carried ALL my extra weight pretty much. its like the closer i get to the center of my body, the fatter i get. plus my thigh and the top of my arms are fat. i need to lose 30-40 pounds too. my hips are a size 4-6 on the american eagle size chart, but my waist is a size 12-14!!!!! how messed up is that??? its disgusting. i hate my body shape. when i wear a my excerise clothes, a baggy shirt and top, i look skinny. because u cant see my disgusting middle of my body. my lower arms, shoulders, collar bones and most of my legs are toned and normal-sized. but the whole core of my body, and the places around my arms and legs that join to the core of my body are HUGE AND FAT. anyways i will starve it off if its the last thing i do.
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Time:06:48 pm
ok i forgot to write that yesterday i b/p'd twice, the first time i kno i got up everything the second time i'm not too sure...then for supper i ate 2 pieces of oven-made pizza..so probably 600 cals for the day at most. i felt mad dizzy all day today and yesterday though so i dont really know what that is. i dont take well to not having much food in me. fuck, 23 days until summer school..i cant be fat.
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Time:06:34 pm

June 10:
ate 8 baby carrots, 2/3 cup shreddies with 1 cup skim milk, an orange
(300 cals)
weight training for 90 minutes
(- 450 cals)
walked around mall for an hour (- 75 cals)
ate shreddies with skim milk, 3 chicken nuggets with honey, a few french fries with ketchup, english muffin with peanut butter, jam and margarine (about 1400)
purged a bit (- about 200)
weight training for 35 minutes (-175)
--------------------------------------------
800 cals 

i have a birthday party tonight but i'm gunna try not to eat. we'll see what happens though..

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Time:07:25 pm
i dont kno wat to do right now. i cant stop crying fuck. i weighed myself today,and i'm 145.4 FUCKING POUNDS. i couldnt take it. i went crazy. i actually scared myself tonight. my parents were gone and thats when i weighed myself, i saw that number and freaked. i b/p'd in a way that i never have before. i was just eating then puking then eating then puking repeatedly, running into my room to weigh myself in between, sobbing, running back and puking more. shaking and sweating and crying. i was dry heaving like crazy but i had to keep purging. u kno wen a gagging sound comes from your throat? this was like screams coming from my throat. i've actually never been so panicked about purging in my life. and when i was weighing myself i couldnt even focus on the numbers cuz everything was spinning. i was like sobbing and going PLEASE GOD PLEASE cuz i couldnt take it if the number was any higher. and then finally when i was positive there was nothing more in me that i could puke up and the scale said 144.6, i stopped and just came into my room and sobbed. the number on the scale matters to me, but tonight if it had gone up instead of down, i honestly dont know what i would have done. i felt like my head would explode if i couldnt get it to get under 145. i'm so so sorry to post all this stupid story, but i swear right now i'm just trying to get my mind off it and i dont kno what to do. i wish i could die. im so fucking fat.
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Time:02:24 am
woww i'm so sick of this..i can't have bulimia anymore. i can't live like this. i'm hurting myself, my family and my friends. no more fasting and then BINGEING, no more eating just to hurt myself or numb myself or try to make myself feel better. from now on i'm going to eat a little so that i dont eat alot. i'll lose weight over time. it doesnt matter how slowly i go as long as i don't stop. 500 cals a day from now on. only my safe foods. i need to get away from this fucking disease, i'm so scared. tonight when i thought of losing him, i got scared of losing myself.
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Time:02:22 am
ok i have the best friend in the world. i was having a terrible night. i was emotional and upset over so many things. and then i saw the video "what hurts the most" by rascall flatts, and its honestly the saddest music video in the world. it's about losing someone close to you. and i started crying and couldnt stop and started thinking about what i would do if my best friend died. since i was so tired and emotional, it seemed so real. i honestly couldnt stop crying. all i wanted was to hear his voice just to make me feel better. but it was 1:30 so i didnt wanna call and wake him up over something so stupid. then all of a sudden my phone rings. it was him and he said "i just got this feeling that i should call u." i just cried to him on the phone lol and told him what i was thinking about. he made me feel better. i'm still kind of shaken up from all this emotional stuff. but after talking to him i feel like i can handle it. i dont kno wat i would ever do without him. he's been here for me through everything. he came with me when i told my parents about my bulimia. he's called me every single day while i've been home from school the past 2 weeks. and in a time when i'm upset, he gets a feeling to call me. how amazing is that. i'm just so thankful to have him right now.
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Time:10:10 pm
i feel so trapped and alone. i feel like i wanna reach out for help but every time someone tries to help me i turn my back on them and isolate myself further into this little world. i feel like i'm not even a person any more. this is all i am.

i'm scared of dying.
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